my knuckles rap softly on your door
I take two steps, maybe more
into your room
where an overwhelming sense of doom
washes over me

standing in that tiny room
I am momentarily lost in gloom
from shuttered windows stealing light
in a vain attempt to mimic night
for pale sun rays – liquid honey, amber and gold
come together brazen and bold
their tentacles blending colour and dance
break through and, as if by chance
they settle on you

you sit in front of your PC
you slowly, painfully turn towards me
oh God, your eyes are the most incredible blue
I’ve never seen that hue on you
surely a child took crayons and pens
and enthusiastically drew and drew
every single shade of blue
then put those colours through a lens
to blend that beautiful colour for you

I know I’m attempting to deflect what I see
for I’m trembling all over as hot tears threaten me
my heart goes crazy inside my chest
where a thousand butterfly wings
are all vying to escape the nest
an emotional avalanche takes hold of my brain
I Hope, I Wish I’ll go insane
for despite the lovely blue of your eyes
the unbearable pain in them tells me no lies

I’ve taken all of you in with a single glance
and I know in my heart I don’t have a chance
of ever escaping the suffering I see
not if I live for eternity
.. oh John you are dying in front of my eyes
why did you only tell the skies
instead of me?
standing before you I clearly see
the life flowing out of you, leaving me
bewildered, bereft, my grief paralyzed
oh why can’t I stop gazing at your eyes?

I don’t want you to go!
but I wanted to know!
I needed to sew a fabric of you
that was honest and true;
a garment of colour to place over me
to protect and give succour and set me free
in those times when the pain
and unbearable darkness sent me almost insane
I wanted to weave into your soul
my love for you to carry you through
I wanted to tend that gaping hole
but both of us knew that would never come true
… for those you most trusted as a little boy
treated you like a throw-away toy
and not even I, who loved you so much
could touch
that part of your soul, the part with the gaping hole

a hymn plays softly in my head
it’s supposed to stop me wanting to be dead
as I move towards you my heart breaks in two
then shatters like glass
I could kick the arse of that nameless hymn
for my eyes start to brim
I can barely see
but you need me
to be brave and strong
and I simply refuse to get this wrong
.. my grief can wait for a future song

I wrap my arms around all of you
my body, too, embraces you
I whisper tender words of soothing love
I bring forth for us both
the perfect white dove
I speak without pause, a balm of gauze
reassuring, caressing, simply loving you
taking your shame
and all your self blame
as your body is wracked by wrenching sobs
as though my presence has done its job
for I know without question you feel my Love
encircled safely in my arms
your suffering shared allows you to calm

I speak to you Johnno straight from my heart
I feel your body start to let go
for it’s finally time for you to fly
feel the wind in the sky
feel the ebb and flow of the salty sea
just as Nature meant it to be
I will hold you tight in my arms
all day and all night if that’s what it takes
for your sobs to abate
and then I will stay close by your side
I won’t go away and while you sleep
I’ll watch over you
and only then will I weep

so many words are being spoken
in the church
where I sit
and stare
at where
you lie
there are hymns burning holes
in my soul
they don’t comfort me
like the rhythm of the sea
the words being spoken
mean nothing to me
but a token
of broken memories
I can’t bear to hear them
abbreviate you
tears fall freely
a dance down my face
I love you so dearly
your familiar form so clearly
gazes back at my stare
from atop that coffin so near
wherein you lie
and the flowers I placed there
so lovingly to die
with you

On this day while others pray
and you and I say
I have no hesitation in letting you go
simply because I love you so
I want you to fly to the top of the sky
and find Peace and Joy
for that little boy
who followed you through life

because the man he became
was loved by me – your wife

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Copyright © Wendy Chipperfield

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