AN UNPREDICTABLE LIFE
I sit here now in darkness, living on my own
A life of existence, white walls, my home
With rooms which sometimes did resonate with laughter
Saw also tears of much sadness, pain, suffering and anger.
For death entered the lives, whom are now dearly lost
But also estrangement, which pursues me in silence, endlessly
Creating prison cells, of emptiness, aloneness and memories
Casting shadows within those silent, empty rooms.
The tears I shed quietly, along roads of darkness
Following footsteps of abandonment, this eternal loneliness
And utter sadness I feel, for those who have gone
The memories that will forever so quietly, linger on.
For the pain of the past, and fleeting glimpses
Which sometimes drown within my tortuous soul
Appearing vividly, when I allow them to be more than just images
Burn with searing heat, painfully, and once more take control.
Again, I think to myself, “Just leave me alone!
Haven’t I suffered enough from loss and love?
And paying the price too high for giving too much?”
For when you love too much, you always fall too hard.
No words could ever express, or even begin
To describe the desolation of loss, and of grief.
And the photographs of sometimes happier days
I dare not see, and are hidden, from even me.
Some days are just too hard and weary to travel
And nights seemingly drown in voids of blackness
Depicted within my mind, endless, and too barren
For I loved too much, and now am so saddened.
Life has not been that which I grew to believe
Providing me with a future of smiles and love
The sadness which I now find to be so close to me
Is sometimes my solace, my friend and all I can see.
My road through life has been rough and lonely
Though I have tried so hard to find joy and peace
Yet the faster I ran, to catch the winds within my grasp
They only blew harder, remaining just out of my reach.
For to have felt the love, which so many know
And arms to have held me, never allowing me to fall
The abandonment I feel, has left a huge void within my heart
And overwhelming memories of loss, encasing my whole.
I see families with smiles, holding hands with care
Reminding me yet again, of my own saddened emptiness
Another day awakens, though my spirit remains quiet
And night once more is filled with shadows of blackness.
I faithfully believed that with my truest given love
And commitment I gave to all of those in need
Would allow my life to be complete with joy and hugs
And tears would never fall through the love I never received,
My road, now, has almost now come to a close
And the weariness I feel will soon come to an end
Am so very tired, of the winds escaping my grasp
Running so hard to catch that which was not to be.
I have suffered the result of giving far too much,
For when you love too deeply, you fall too hard
Eternal nights will one day blend with summers of gold
Infinite tears will never again fall, and hearts won’t be cold.
Vivid memories of the past of things that never were
And realisation of all that should, and may have been
The struggles which always became more oceans to swim
Never reaching the end, for silence, for now, is my solitary friend.
Written by Lyndell Muirhead
21st October 2014
Copyright © Lyndell Muirhead
Lyndell Muirhead is on facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/lyndell.muirhead
Artist: Lyndell Muirhead